How do you spend 30 plus years caring for others and then turn around and learn how to care for yourself well? And how the heck do you care for yourself well when you are a mother of three children under four years old? And what do you do with all of the messages you received in your childhood that keep you in the same thought patterns? How on earth do you move forward?
Well, it's done very imperfectly, but I am here to tell you that it can be done. I am learning self care and self compassion in this very busy season of life. I am learning to say no to the old voices in my head that would push me into the past. I am beginning to ask others for the help I need. I still struggle with guilt as I ask for help. The voices of the past tell me I shouldn't need help. Or that I must explain myself and let "essentially" my mother or father determine if I truly need the help I am asking for. I'm learning that it's okay to be me. That I am the only one who knows what I really think and feel even though I grew up with my mother telling me what to think and feel. My parents still believe they know what I need and who I am more than I know myself. This is disheartening to say the least.
I meet with a professional therapist each week to sort through the past and press into the future. It's vital that I have the space within the four walls of her office to express myself. It's like an experiment room. I get to try out opinions and thoughts. "Say it out loud, try it on for size," she'll say. So I do. I try expressing my own opinions even though I feel totally unsure. "I want to have my baby at home," or "I want my child to go to preschool". Or even, "Mom, leave me alone!" All of these I get to try out in the safe presence of someone who cares to see me move into wholeness.
Today, I felt so happy to be me. I felt content with who I am and how much I've grown. And there are many days when I wonder if I have only made baby steps. I hear the old voices louder than the new ones or I feel lost and anxious or downright angry. But even baby steps eventually lead somewhere. And I can tell I am going a new direction with my life and it is good.
I hope we can journey together and encourage one another. I want you to know you are not alone. If you are trying to leave the past behind and move forward as the person you want to be then know that you are in good company.
-Imperfect Lizzie
